Men and Women

I was going to write a post about my weekend visiting with my friend Sara and catching The Big Ticket (a Christian music festival...it was a lot of fun), but I had promised Sherry awhile ago that I would write a post about men and women. Since I’ll be leaving for Memphis in less than two weeks I decided to get this one out of the way (once I leave for Memphis updates will become more rare).

I began thinking about this a few weeks ago when Sherry said something to the effect of “men and women are equal…well I know you don’t think that.” Now I think she was trying to just give me a hard time, but when she said it I felt I had to fight such a claim. I then went to get some lunch and realized that yeah I do think men and women aren’t equal. However not equal doesn’t mean that one is greater than the other but simply that they are not the same. It is the equivalent of saying that A is not equal to 1…all this means is that they are different. I think this is pretty obvious and don’t think anyone that would read this would disagree, but I think where there can be some disagreement is as to what extent they are different. I could take this on from many angles, but I’m only going to focus on friendship (specifically how the presence of a woman can affect a group of friends).

I’ve selected friendship because about the same time that I began thinking about this I was reading “The Four Loves” by C.S. Lewis and he had an interesting chapter on friendship. Now I agree with most of what Lewis writes, but man what he put in there really sounded sexist (I’m going to assume that this opinion is a result of my ignorance because such a sentiment doesn’t show up elsewhere in his writings). Anyway, basically he raised the problem of having men and women being friends…how the simple fact of having a woman in a group of men can take away from the group. While I don’t think that is at the general rule, I do believe that can be the case. The church I attend forms the best example of how this can be. There are plenty of groups that form within the church that are coed, but some just have to be only men or women. I know that both my bible study and discipleship groups would be less effective if there was a single woman in the group. These groups require the separation of sexes for a number of reasons, but the one that is most universal is that men and women interact differently. The simple fact is that if I’m hanging out with 5 guys we will interact much differently then if there are 4 guys and a girl. Men tend to be much more blunt when they are trying to say things and women tend to be much more expressive. When the group is coed both sides tend to compromise, but when I’m with the guys few words are spoken and each one means exactly what was stated. I’ve also have been able to be in the presence of a group of girls (the closest I’ve come to a purely women group was my neighbors that would let me eat food while they watched Sex in the City…the rule was I could eat but not talk), and there was so much being said that I never had a clue what topic was being discussed even though they all seemed quite fine with the interaction. These two differences don’t mean much but when interaction between sexes takes place without the compromise problems tend to arise. I see this problem lived out in the lab when I’m working with Sherry and I’m getting frustrated with something…in those moments I tend to talk more like I would to a guy (very bluntly), which typically results in me offending her. Fortunately we communicate well and usually don’t have any major problems…she even has recognized when I’m thinking that if she were a guy this won’t be a problem.

The biggest point to make is that the above problem really isn’t all that big of a deal if you admit that each side is simply different, but what becomes a real problem is when we try to say that they are the same. Anyone that runs into this problem and believes that men and women are essentially the same will be extra frustrated because they can’t understand why the opposite sex simply doesn’t act in a similar fashion to them. I also want to point out that I wasn’t trying to say that men and women can’t be friends. I have plenty of genuine friendships with women. However my friendships with women are distinctly different from my male friendships.