As most of my posts this one has been inspired by the book I’m currently reading. It is G.K. Chesterton’s Orthodoxy (the entire book is free online if anyone wants to read it). This was written around 1908 as a rebuttal to some critics of Chesterton for not sharing his personal beliefs while criticizing their beliefs. I selected it because it is often quoted in other books I’ve read…the jury is still out as to whether I’m going to like this book or not, but it has some potential.
In the current chapter I'm reading Chesterton wrote about patriotism or love of country. As he said “Men did not love Rome because she was great. She was great because they had loved her.” The idea is that at some point in the past a group had loved the area and that love mode the land grow and develop into a beautiful city that is world renowned to this day. This point was contrasted with a second type of love in which someone loves a region for some present attribute. This second type will actually harm the country because it can’t improve because the love will leave if things were to change. For example if I love Pigeon for its stoplight (it is a nice stoplight) then I would resist the possibility of adding a second one even if it is the result of a growing local economy because it would no longer have the quality that I love. However if I love Pigeon because of the land and the people then any growth and success that comes its way will make me happy because I love Pigeon and want her to improve. I thought this was kind of interesting and while I drove from Memphis to Ann Arbor (I’m back in Ann Arbor trying to quickly fix a major problem with my experiment then return to Memphis) I pondered the idea.
The more I thought about it I found it somewhat odd that he made this observation without mentioning the more obvious (in my opinion) situation that really brings out this point. That is love between a husband and wife (or boyfriend and girlfriend)…it could be generalized with all loves, but I don’t think the case is as strong. If you love a woman for some specific quality of her it will never be sufficient because she desires that you love her for the overall person…her heart, beauty, and spirit. The problem with “falling in love” with her for some specific quality is that it doesn’t allow for any progression in the relationship and will fail once change is faced. Lets give an example…if a guy says he loves a girl because she is hot no healthy relationship can result. His love will fade with time and will only stay because of a created dependence for the relationship over the years…if he doesn’t eventually find a new “love” the result will be a loveless relationship. On her side she will know that he loves how “hot” she is and will either give up on the relationship if she feels that her beauty was fading or will make desperate attempts to maintain her past beauty instead of embracing her new beauty. Now let’s contrast that with someone that falls in love with the woman rather than her appearance, as time passes the love remains because while there are changes they don’t become a different person.
This makes me think of a horrible question that has been asked me by a past girlfriend…what is it about me that makes you love me? I was young and immature so I didn’t know that as soon as the question was asked I was screwed. How could I answer it? In my youth I started rattling off all the good qualities that make her great, but no matter how long the list was the response at the end was always…is that all? The reality is that as long as I made a list of qualities I was really saying that my love was conditional…not on her just being herself.
2 comments:
It has been one of my major issues. In young and immature loves, it's harder to communicate as naked individual souls.
And the souls can change with time too. So when they grow apart, sometimes they don't appreciate each other any more.
I have met lucky people regarding this topic, but I am not one of them.
Hopefully it's not too late to realize how to love and how I want to be loved, in God's blessing.
As a person that has been with one love for over 32 years the love that you have for a person changes as the years go by. When you first are attracted to a person I think it is the immature type of love (the outer beauty of someone). As you get to know someone better in time you learn about there enter beauty. The things that makes up that person as a human being. And what keeps the love alive is the ability to grow with changes as each individual matures with life situations.
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