Eureka

So in my entry entitled “Why do I do research?” I talked about the 1% of research that really makes someone want to do it. Well tonight the eureka of science hit…I’m probably over playing this because we didn’t discover anything new, but we had success with something that’s been really troubling us. All the work and trouble that has been bothering me has been with respect to getting an image of dots…seriously. I wanted so desperately to get a picture that was nearly entirely black with small white dots.

I had hoped to have this image in February, but for numerous reasons I really didn’t even start trying to get it until a few weeks ago. As of this morning we were no where close to getting it…my estimate was that we might have it by middle of next week. Then after dinner I went back to the lab and spent a little time with the system and got something that looked pretty good…I then called Sherry since she knows more about it than me. She came down and confirmed that my images looked good. We then decided to go for the mother of all white dot pictures (I’ll spare you the details that make this difficult and special of a picture). Even before we started we both agreed that we won’t be disappointed if we failed…since we should be excited that I finally got something decent. Well in only a little while we had done it…the joy was so great that we really couldn’t believe that it happened. Not only had we got it, but it went so smoothly after being able to get nothing for so, so long.

Now I get a chance to bring home my point about how it can be so difficult to do research. Right now is one of those very rare moments when things work and you can celebrate, but like I had said thanks to the nature of research you can’t even truly share joy or sorrow with anyone. Below I’ve attached the picture that gave Sherry and I overwhelming excitement…no one else on this planet (excluding our research team) should get excited when they see this picture. Man it is tough being a nerd…but I am what I am.

Little White Dots of Joy (actual contrast is much better)

Why do I do research?

So I'm sitting here eating my lunch (alone since Sherry didn't come to work), and thinking about whether or not I should get my PhD. Now this is actually a common thought amongst most PhD students. If you don't believe me go to PhD Comics and it will give you a good feel for graduate life. My doubts have changed over the past year, but none the less they definitely exist. Originally I doubted whether I was smart enough to get the degree (especially in fluid mechanics...this is still a question). I really didn't think I had anything to contribute to the research project that I had been working on, and expected to fail my qualifying exam...this would have ended my hopes of getting a PhD. Well over the past year I have passed my qualifying exam and have actually really started to be an asset at my job...I'm even managing the next phase of our project that is funded by DARPA. So while I no longer have doubts about if I'm valuable to our group or if I'm qualified to get a PhD, I still think about quitting probably a few times a week...like right now.

Now I have to ask myself why I feel like I should quit...I suppose it is because that is the nature of research. Research has two primary problems that make it very difficult to pursue. (1) If it is real research then no one has done it (or at least very few)...thus it will be a big pain in the ass to accomplish what you want to do. Thus research is 99% frustration and 1% satisfaction (and the 1% isn't guaranteed)...researchers need to learn to live with the feeling of frustration. (2) Almost no one will care about what you do...yes they might say “oh that is interesting that you do such and such”, but they will never want you to share any real details. Typically people will ask what I'm getting my PhD in, and I'll respond with mechanical engineering...that is all they want to know, even though that actually doesn’t tell them anything about what I do. I honestly don't expect anyone to care about it, and typically avoid answering when specific questions are asked because it is boring even to me. The problem with this is that sometimes when the frustration builds up you just want to complain about it, but who can I complain to…I have plenty of great friends that would let me whine in their ear, but what I need is someone that can give advice and knows the situation. Thus there is no relief to the building frustration and you just have to hold out until you get lucky and actually have some success with your work.

One of my professors during my undergrad told me that the only reason an American would ever get a PhD in engineering is if research is the only thing they want to do because there are just too many options available to us. Sadly I believe that I am one of the hopeless fools that just have to do research because I love that 1% and couldn't see myself doing anything else.

Man my last two entries are kind of depressing. Honestly I’m actually quite happy with my life…seriously it isn’t as bad as it sounds…I’ll write some funny ones soon.